Part of blogging for me is getting to let out my feelings and concerns about myself and my family. It helps me think through my situations and hopefully figure out what I need to do in a more biblical way. It holds me accountable to put feelings out there for the world to see.
I’m at a crossroads. A bit of a struggle. You see, I have very bright and wonderful boys. 9 and 6. But I have boys who do not want to make school a priority. They want to be boys. And I haven’t found a good way through this.
My oldest, I literally have to stand over, stay in the same room with him and direct him what to do. I’ve tried timers, rewards, sticker charts, incentives, punishments, taking away screen time, etc. He is a dwadler. He will drop his pencil 20 times and lean over his chair to pick it up, knock over the chair, fall out onto the ground, all in an attempt to get out of doing math for a few minutes.
My youngest just isn’t interested. I’ve tried different books, different levels of phonics, easier math, harder math, and I’ve come to the conclusion they just don’t want to “do school” when they are home.
Now I know that part of this is my own issue. There are things I want them to get through, that I know they can get through, but that they’d rather not get through. I just know they can do more, but they really don’t want to-in regards to school. But I feel like they would listen to a teacher better than they would listen to me. I don’t know if this is a true feeling for me, or if its just my mind, playing tricks on me, but often times, they do listen better when they are around other people.
Don’t get me wrong, they do listen. They have their chores they do in the mornings, and when we are out and about they know the rules–stay by me in the parking lot, behave in the grocery store, be respectful, etc. But it’s like as soon as I mention the word school, a switch flips and they just don’t want to do it.
This has gotten to the point where I myself am dreading even bringing up school. It has made me question if this is the right choice for them. I wonder if I would feel any better about their education if I put them in school. I don’t know. I’ve seen alot of posts about quitting homeschool, but not a whole lot where people are actually going through it in real time. And that is where I’m at right now. I want to do what is best for my kids, whatever that may be. But I am standing here in the middle of the road, with no directions, trying to figure out which way I need to go.
If only I had a crystal ball, to tell me which way is best for me to go. That is my struggle. So many paths. So many choices. So much resistance from my kiddos.
See, when I started this adventure with homeschool, I was strongly convicted by God to do so. And I still feel that way. I feel as though if I put them in school, (and I’m not passing judgement on anyone who has chosen that path. I feel this and am saying this only about myself and my personal life in this moment) that I will not be doing what God wants me to do with my children. So I guess I’m technically going against what I am convicted to do. That isn’t a great feeling, but neither is the dread of trying to get them to “do school” every day they don’t want to. Which is pretty much every day. They listen to almost everything else I ask them to do. I don’t believe it is an all out discipline problem with them. I don’t honestly know what it is, but I know it is a struggle. And I don’t have much of a support group, so going at it alone is pretty much what I’m doing. I believe this is the general struggle all Christians face, the decision between letting it go and trusting God, or giving in and doing it mans way. I’m not saying that public school is man’s way. I’m just saying that our choices on this earth are to follow God, or follow our own (mans) choices.
Something I’m clinging on to at the moment is a verse I read that encourages me to stay in my faith and not take it out of Gods hands. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. —Romans 8:28
Now, I’m not some bible thumping, people convicting, opinionated mama who negatively thwarts out bible verses to those out in the world who are hurting, in an attempt to get a word in, instead of showing them love in that moment where they are at in their lives. I believe we are put on this earth to 1) LOVE GOD. and 2) LOVE PEOPLE. So if you think that my post is insinuating that you are not a good parent for putting your child in public school, or homeschooling when you can no longer take it, you are mistaken. I am simply putting my thought process on a computer screen of what I want to do with my own children.
While I’m not trying to be judgemental, I’m still conflicted. I know what I want to do, and I know what God wants me to do. I’m stuck, but I have to move across this intersection. I can’t chose to do God’s will, and wish the whole time that I didn’t or vice versa. I want to do what is best for my kids. I don’t want to homeschool them with a grudge in my heart. I have to be in the right place in my heart to make the choice that I need to make. So we have a few weeks to make a decision. And I know in my heart that God uses all things for good. And he can use our mistakes to bring about good. So I have faith in knowing that whatever happens, God is there.