faith

I’m struggling

Well, I’m going through something right now. I’m not really sure how to handle this situation, but I wanted to say upfront that I do not apply these judgements to anyone except for myself. I base these feelings on what I believe. And this is where I’m struggling.

I put the boys in school. I deliberated it for a while. A long while. All summer. I’ve been back and forth. Finally, what set my decision was believing that it was best for my boys to learn to be around a variety of individuals. Also we were unable to afford the curriculum I wanted. I am aware of the free homeschool curriculum’s out there, and we have done this in the past, but I really wanted to go another option. I wasn’t able to.

The weeks prior to putting them into school we also struggled with our spending. We got behind fixing my husbands work vehicle after he hit something in the middle of the road on his way into work one morning. Ever since we’ve been behind, and it has been difficult. And unfortunately, the overdraft fees are piling up. And that is so depressing. Being slapped with those fees. Especially when they are close to a hundred dollars. uggh, it’s just been rough. We have been trying to do more with the kids out and about instead of staying home, and it’s cost us. Although it does remind me why I need to keep better track of our money.

But, I am digressing. The root of the problem isn’t truly money, or homeschool, or overdraft fees. The root of my problem is that somehow I’ve convinced myself that homeschooling was what God truly wanted from me, and in putting the boys in public school, I’ve gone against his will. And I’m truly struggling. I’m having a hard time. Anyone who has ever homeschooled, knows the struggles. And it is not for the faint of heart.  I’m not trying to make excuses, but just saying that it’s tough.

woman looking at sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I can’t seem to convince myself that I did the right thing in God’s eyes. Even though he has NOT said in his word that he wants us all to homeschool, I felt in my heart that is what he wanted from me and my family. And I feel like I failed him. Although my kids are happy in their new setting, I’m grieved. So unfortunately, I am not able to offer any  advice or encouragement in this post, but I can offer you some real time trials for me. My storm right now with my feelings of guilt. I am not sure if any of you have experienced this, but if you have and you know any good advice, please pass along.

In my head I know Jesus loves me, he died for me on that cross even after he knew all of my sins. But my heart is  telling me he is disappointed in me for not sticking with homeschooling. I’m feeling heavy hearted. Much like I gave up. I pray for some guidance with this. I pray that I can see that God still cares for me and will still protect and love my family, and that no matter if I homeschool or not, His will continues to play out in our lives. God bless you all, thanks for reading.

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